hey dudes, i won't be able to update for a little bit. our cable and internet are going to be off for a little while... a situation that threatens to tax my natural good humor and docile disposition to the very brink of rudeness.
i've already been lax with the blogging because i've been desperately trying to catch up on battlestar galactica so i can watch the series finale on TV with everyone else. i think i watched like six episodes in a row on sunday, all of which blew me away. i never watch tv dramas, so i'm always totally shocked by the plot twists... i keep thinking terrible things that happen are going to turn out to be dreams or something and all the characters will be fine at the end of the episode.
here's a quick story:
saturday night, i went out with my friend molly. our friend was at kit kat lounge for her birthday party and we wanted to go hang out with her. we headed there, paid $10 for two miller lites and didn't see our friend.
i immediately noticed i was the ugliest man there, which was fine. kit kat lounge is a fancy boystown bar full of fancy people, and i'm not about to compete with those accustomed to luxuries such as drink menus and bathroom stalls with doors.
molly disagreed and said i was only the worst-dressed man there, not the ugliest. i'm not sure if that was supposed to make me feel better or worse. but molly also didn't realize there were like 40 drag queens there, so what does she know?
so anyway molly wanted to meet up with her sister and her sister's friend for a quick drink, so they came to pick us up in a cab. i got in the front seat when they arrived and had to twist around and stick my hand through the little cab driver window to make introductions.
my grip in this awkward position must not have been bone-crushing enough for the visibly drunk friend, as she immediately slurred that i had a "lil' faggot handshake." i think she must have been skipped the seminar on first impressions at finishing school.
i responded by saying i couldn't really shake hands because of my avian bone syndrome and no one laughed.
Showing posts with label roommates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label roommates. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
vomit watch: day 2*
well, yesterday's little whodunit has been solved. roommate 1 left an apologetic note and cleaned the remainder of the vomit from the sink. the culprit?!
... roommate 1's friend!
the note went on to say that roommate 1's friend had apparently gotten sick in our sink and then said he cleaned it up. but did not.
i guess it's possible, but i don't really buy it. that doesn't really make a lot of sense considering the vomit was in our only bathroom for more than a full day and i would think she'd have to see it and i know she was home yesterday morning before i left for work. also i didn't hear or see anyone come in and you can easily hear doors open in our place.
more importantly, i don't want to believe her. this is because i can't imagine how much more cynical and world-weary it would make me to learn there's a strata of society in which "vomiting in a sink and leaving it for an extended period" is an acceptable social norm.
given that i recently witnessed my roommate perform that very feat, that would mean one of her friends also thinks it's ok to puke in a public place and leave it there. which means their other friends might also think thusly... and their friends... and so on. hence, i prefer to think she's just a repeat offender who's embarrassed now that she's been caught.
anyway, i didn't really give a shit anymore. the sink is clean, so i thought this whole situation was resolved to a degree with which i was comfortable. i really didn't want to talk about it anymore because i did not wan to reopen the subject of what i hope is the last time i have to deal with someone throwing up in my sink and not cleaning it up.
(though realistically, given the stupid, stupid route i've chosen to take on this winding road of life, this was probably like the third- or fourth-to-last-time.)
BUT! as i was shaving this evening, i noticed the sink was not draining. i stopped and watched for a second and realized it was draining, but extremely slowly. it is clogged with, what i can only imagine, are the bilious and partially digested remains of a digiorno pepperoni pizza, expelled from the esophagus of an indeterminate individual.
at this point i have no idea what's going on anymore. things stopped making sense the first time there was puke in one of my sinks.
by the way, i'm sorry these last few entries have been so centered around grossness. i just seem to be in a gross phase. or rather a phase in which grossness is being unwillingly inflicted on me.
*alternate title: "the glamour and level of sophistication in my post-college life never ceases to amaze me."
... roommate 1's friend!
the note went on to say that roommate 1's friend had apparently gotten sick in our sink and then said he cleaned it up. but did not.
i guess it's possible, but i don't really buy it. that doesn't really make a lot of sense considering the vomit was in our only bathroom for more than a full day and i would think she'd have to see it and i know she was home yesterday morning before i left for work. also i didn't hear or see anyone come in and you can easily hear doors open in our place.
more importantly, i don't want to believe her. this is because i can't imagine how much more cynical and world-weary it would make me to learn there's a strata of society in which "vomiting in a sink and leaving it for an extended period" is an acceptable social norm.
given that i recently witnessed my roommate perform that very feat, that would mean one of her friends also thinks it's ok to puke in a public place and leave it there. which means their other friends might also think thusly... and their friends... and so on. hence, i prefer to think she's just a repeat offender who's embarrassed now that she's been caught.
anyway, i didn't really give a shit anymore. the sink is clean, so i thought this whole situation was resolved to a degree with which i was comfortable. i really didn't want to talk about it anymore because i did not wan to reopen the subject of what i hope is the last time i have to deal with someone throwing up in my sink and not cleaning it up.
(though realistically, given the stupid, stupid route i've chosen to take on this winding road of life, this was probably like the third- or fourth-to-last-time.)
BUT! as i was shaving this evening, i noticed the sink was not draining. i stopped and watched for a second and realized it was draining, but extremely slowly. it is clogged with, what i can only imagine, are the bilious and partially digested remains of a digiorno pepperoni pizza, expelled from the esophagus of an indeterminate individual.
at this point i have no idea what's going on anymore. things stopped making sense the first time there was puke in one of my sinks.
by the way, i'm sorry these last few entries have been so centered around grossness. i just seem to be in a gross phase. or rather a phase in which grossness is being unwillingly inflicted on me.
*alternate title: "the glamour and level of sophistication in my post-college life never ceases to amaze me."
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
an opportunity for growth*
for the past several months, i've been living with two people i met over the internet because i didn't know anyone who wanted to live in this area. one of the greatest joys of living with people who i had never met before is the exciting opportunities for personal growth that come hand-in-hand with embarking on these new interpersonal relationships.
we should savor those flickers of surprise when initially confronted with someone's quirks... then the richness of the journey of attempting to make sense of these oddities and idiosyncrasies... and finally the moment of transcendent enlightenment in which one learns to appreciate, rather than judge, the patchwork of intangible qualities that form our utterly unique, beautifully flawed and indelibly human souls.
i myself experienced one such quirk when i went downstairs to get ready for work this morning and noticed our bathroom sink was filled with vomit. i stood quietly for a moment and took in the situation, the sour stench of bile emanating from where i usually shave and brush my teeth.
what a charming eccentricity! someone with whom i have signed a lease evidently thinks leaving vomit in the sink of our house's only bathroom is acceptable behavior!
once again employing my goren-esque deductive skills, i almost immediately determined it was roommate 1.
1. the vomit was dry, so it must have happened several hours ago, which doesn't fit roommate 2's schedule.
2. its color and consistency (i'll spare you the details) appear to match roommate 1's dinner last night, which was a frozen pizza. i know this because the box, cardboard cutting surface, plastic wrapping and dirty pizza cutter were still on the counter.
3. the vomiter chose to use the sink instead of the toilet (which is less than six inches to the right and is far easier to clean), and roommate 1 is exactly the kind of stupid fucking shit-for-brains who would do something like that.
4. and, most tellingly, i was standing in our kitchen a few months ago and personally witnessed roommate 1 vomit into our kitchen sink and leave for work without cleaning it up... so there's some precedent involved, but that's a story for another day.
BUT! i decided not to jump to conclusions and fly into a rage as i once might have done. as i drove to work, my fetid morning breath fogging my windows because i was too grossed out to brush my teeth, i reflected on what i had seen.
roommate 1 may have been gravely ill and had to be rushed to the hospital. but then she wouldn't have been sleeping on the living room couch with the cartoon network blaring at her unhearing ears.
maybe roommate 1 is an avant-garde provocateur, who last night delivered a biting commentary on society's notions of hygiene and challenged me to confront the ludicrousness of humanity's attempts to sterilize the world. take that, establishment!
perhaps roommate 1 had been reading up on natural cleaning agents. is it such a stretch to think she attempted to use her powerful stomach acid to scour our sink clean of the accumulation of dried toothpaste scum and weeks-old purple hair dye that she herself left there?
but when all is said and done, i suppose i'm just thankful roommate 1 was thoughtful enough to share this part of herself with me. i can't wait to talk about this with her in person. that's another funny quirk of hers; she never answers her phone whenever she does something a less enlightened person would characterize as "mind-numbingly stupid and disgustingly inconsiderate."
* alternate title: VomitOnMySink, an homage to my pal jessica.
we should savor those flickers of surprise when initially confronted with someone's quirks... then the richness of the journey of attempting to make sense of these oddities and idiosyncrasies... and finally the moment of transcendent enlightenment in which one learns to appreciate, rather than judge, the patchwork of intangible qualities that form our utterly unique, beautifully flawed and indelibly human souls.
i myself experienced one such quirk when i went downstairs to get ready for work this morning and noticed our bathroom sink was filled with vomit. i stood quietly for a moment and took in the situation, the sour stench of bile emanating from where i usually shave and brush my teeth.
what a charming eccentricity! someone with whom i have signed a lease evidently thinks leaving vomit in the sink of our house's only bathroom is acceptable behavior!
once again employing my goren-esque deductive skills, i almost immediately determined it was roommate 1.
1. the vomit was dry, so it must have happened several hours ago, which doesn't fit roommate 2's schedule.
2. its color and consistency (i'll spare you the details) appear to match roommate 1's dinner last night, which was a frozen pizza. i know this because the box, cardboard cutting surface, plastic wrapping and dirty pizza cutter were still on the counter.
3. the vomiter chose to use the sink instead of the toilet (which is less than six inches to the right and is far easier to clean), and roommate 1 is exactly the kind of stupid fucking shit-for-brains who would do something like that.
4. and, most tellingly, i was standing in our kitchen a few months ago and personally witnessed roommate 1 vomit into our kitchen sink and leave for work without cleaning it up... so there's some precedent involved, but that's a story for another day.
BUT! i decided not to jump to conclusions and fly into a rage as i once might have done. as i drove to work, my fetid morning breath fogging my windows because i was too grossed out to brush my teeth, i reflected on what i had seen.
roommate 1 may have been gravely ill and had to be rushed to the hospital. but then she wouldn't have been sleeping on the living room couch with the cartoon network blaring at her unhearing ears.
maybe roommate 1 is an avant-garde provocateur, who last night delivered a biting commentary on society's notions of hygiene and challenged me to confront the ludicrousness of humanity's attempts to sterilize the world. take that, establishment!
perhaps roommate 1 had been reading up on natural cleaning agents. is it such a stretch to think she attempted to use her powerful stomach acid to scour our sink clean of the accumulation of dried toothpaste scum and weeks-old purple hair dye that she herself left there?
but when all is said and done, i suppose i'm just thankful roommate 1 was thoughtful enough to share this part of herself with me. i can't wait to talk about this with her in person. that's another funny quirk of hers; she never answers her phone whenever she does something a less enlightened person would characterize as "mind-numbingly stupid and disgustingly inconsiderate."
* alternate title: VomitOnMySink, an homage to my pal jessica.
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