the republican party is fresh and dope

michele bachmann tells michael steele "you da man."

yeah all right

haha, ok that's pretty funny.

NANNERPUSS!!! NANNERPUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSS!!!

why does everyone keep asking me about that nannerpuss thing?!

and speaking of swedish things...

i went to a swedish restaurant in the city last weekend... i had not realized such places existed before then.

i kind of didn't know what to expect a swedish restaurant to look like... and even if i did, i wouldn't have expected a crazy ass mural on the wall with a bunch of little trolls having a may festival. it looked kind of like this.

i liked it because the food was good, but also because the waitresses actually looked swedish and it made for greater authenticity. they were all tall and blond with blue eyes. it was like feasting in valhalla, but with fewer big scary bearded guys.

one of them looked like how i imagine a valkyrie would. she was honestly two inches taller than me. and she also had a nice profile! a-ha-ha... what a terrible joke.

i figured it was at least trail mix or something

yesterday at the gym, i saw one of the workers sitting at a desk and eating something out of a bag. i walked by him a few times and noticed its brand name was "performance snacks."

after a few more passes, i realized "performance snacks" is a melange of gummi worms, sour patch kids and swedish fish.

line of the year

on sunday morning after ford's party, i woke up and came out to the kitchen to get some water. i saw my friend jay sleeping on some cushion thing on the floor, which i later realized was the dog's bed.

upon waking, jay said it was "not the best or worst dog's bed he's slept in."

well, i'm stimulated

obama's stimulus bill is sounding better and better... according to some lady, the bill is "literally filled with pork." as such, i eagerly look forward to receiving my government-issued breakfast sausage and spare ribs.

sleazy bar stories, #2

i woke up this morning on john's couch with an astronomical hangover. i felt like such shit that my first thought was wondering if i had died during the night and, if so, whether i was in hell and suffering penance for my many evil deeds. the jury's still out on that one. j/k, lolz!

seriously though, last night was fun. we went to delilah's for dan's birthday party. also, it was the maiden expedition of team discovery channel, a high-impact tactical drinking unit composed of john and me.

i'm trying to save money this month, so i decided to pull a classy move... i smuggled in a pint of jack and some diet pepsi, and surreptitiously mixed my own drinks. as testament of my preternatural tolerance for drink, i somehow managed to spend more than $60 on alcohol after i drank the jack. life's funny like that. and by funny, i mean horrible.

things started getting pretty hazy as the night progressed. i was really, really tired before we went out, and i always start to slip a bit when i booze in that state. here are my scattered memories:

some dudes at the bar comment on my high school swimming t-shirt that i bought from a thrift store. we have a boring conversation about their high school, culminating with me lying and saying i have to go to the bathroom to end it.

(darkness)

i'm leaving delilah's. i realize i have no idea what happened over the past half hour or so and think "crap, i'm starting to black out."

(darkness)

i'm at an atm withdrawing money. i dimly recall pledging to myself earlier that i would behave and only spend $60 total for the evening. i say "meh" and get more money.

(darkness)

we're at a white castle. i order some food and think "why am i doing this? i hate white castle." the workers already have food ready, so they hand me my order immediately after i finish signing my credit card receipt. i look at the bag with profound confusion because i don't understand how it was prepared so quickly, resulting in the worker exasperatedly urging me to take it as she repeatedly thrusts the bag toward me.

also, this morning dan told me i consumed my four sliders and fries in literally about 30 seconds.

(darkness)

i'm at a street corner with my friends trying to hail a cab in a heavy snowstorm, but there are none to be found. i briefly wonder if we all will freeze to death at this lonely intersection, the snowfall slowly burying our frostbite-blackened corpses until the spring thaw when the crows feast upon us.

i notice jenna shivering because she's wearing only a hoodie, so i offer to share my coat with her. we huddle together (i'm not pulling any funny business, mind you. i have a girlfriend and i was genuinely just trying to be nice) and i am filled with pride at my own gallantry.

but now that i'm sober and thinking about it, that easily could have come across as quite creepy considering i barely know her. also, i was actually wearing a hoodie under my coat, so i could have just given her one of those... so basically what i thought was a chivalrous gesture was in actuality more like this situation:



(darkness)

we're back at john's apartment listening to music. john and i are sharing one of those tiny bottles of jameson you get on airplanes. why am i drinking more? it's 4 a.m.

(darkness)

then it was morning.

also, within five minutes of waking up, i stepped in cat urine in my socks from john's fat, stupid cat. jada is my always my arch-nemesis whenever i go over there.

shameful bar tabs, #3

delilah's + christina's = ...

$63!

i think this one deserves some extra shameful notoriety because my bar tab was accrued AFTER i drank the pint of whiskey i smuggled into delilah's in my coat pocket.

bizarre e-mails, #2 (update)

i just did some research and ron lastname wasn't messing around. he was arrested for sending threatening letters and packages to city and county officials last week. some of the pieces of mail contained weird powder and shotgun shells.

i wonder if this means i'm not going to get e-mails from him anymore.