have at thee, satan!

i rarely pay any attention to internet advertising. i don't want to buy t-shirts with cute little quips, i don't give a shit about my credit score, i have no interest in going to some weird online college, etc.

but i happened to see an ad on gmail today that really caught my eye:


i mean, that's pretty badass, right? a giant beast with lion, jaguar and (i think) goat heads. incidentally, that's exactly how the ad looked; i didn't crop off the side like that.

after i managed to wrap my mind around the sweet, sweet awesomeness of that picture, i actually read what the ad said and grew increasingly curious. does my future contain this savage chimera? what the fuck does it want? does it have other cryptic messages utterly bereft of basic punctuation for me?

i got my answer when i scrolled down a bit more and saw the lower half of the ad:


of course. in retrospect, it's really obvious it was about religious fundamentalism. the gobbeldygook about monsters and prophecy blended with sloppy grammar is a dead giveaway... although "hyborian age" high school student fan fiction would have been my second guess.

even so, i was kind of intrigued. i always thought the old testament was kind of cool, what with all the smiting and turning people to pillars of salt and raining down fire and plagues of locusts and rivers of blood. for the first time since i can remember, i voluntarily clicked on an ad and i was not disappointed.

i think that picture pretty much speaks for itself, but i'm going to say it anyway: HOLY SHIT!!! there's a fucking barbarian warrior princess riding a five-headed dragon! and she's apparently giving away free booklets full of secrets! i'm so blown away that i don't even care what the rest of the web site says.

here's an even bigger picture so you can really see the barbarian-warrior-princess-riding-a-dragon-osity of it all:


all i need to know is the end of times is going to look a lot like a 1980s-era dungeons and dragons book, which fills me with a burning desire become a christian. i've got a +3 broadsword and a wand of melf's acid arrow with your name on it, satan!