measurable progress, #1

the other day, i realized the driver's side door on my car seemed to be broken. at first it wouldn't open at all and i had to go through the undignified process of crawling out the passenger's side (more on that later).

after i applied my considerable mechanical prowess to the problem (i.e. swore at it and kicked it a few times and kept turning my key in the lock over and over), it finally made this horrible clicking noise and swung open... except now it won't stay shut. sweet irony!

i've found the best (?) way to drive in my present situation is to use my left hand to steer and cross my right hand over my body with a death grip on the interior handle to keep it from flying open in oncoming traffic. classy.

the important part of this anecdote is i never realized how much weight i've lost. it took me a solid five minutes to maneuver my bulk out of my tiny ass car when this first happened last spring.

i had to begin by reclining the driver side seat all the way and then reaching over and doing the same thing to the passenger side to make sure i had enough room for the vehicular acrobatics i was about to perform. then i had to kind of scoot up in my seat and bring my left leg up to chest level and then twist it around over the center console to the passenger's side seat, which was about as comfortable as it sounds.

i then had to flop my body over, in a manner not unlike a walrus, so i was facing the ground and propping myself up with one arm on each headrest with the gear shift cruelly jamming into my groin. finally, i brought my right leg over to the other side and slid out the car feet-first while i was still facing the floor.

trust me, this was the only way it worked. i tried several methods with varying degrees of discomfort before i found the one that worked, ungainly though it was. i was fucking sweating by the time i was finished.

but this time i just hopped over the console and was out in like five seconds. it was disappointingly simple and took no strategy.