sleazy bar stories, #1

i just want to say before i begin that this story honestly makes me feel extremely... i guess "unclean" is the word. i hate it and wish i could forget it but it grossed me out so much i felt like i had to share it.

last weekend, i went to meet some friends at the bar at which they always hang out. we were having some drinks and it was a pretty good time.

then people started noticing the stench.

i personally didn't notice anything at first, but everyone else had that weird, screwed-up "what's that god-awful smell?" face.

then sam rolled his eyes and pointed to someone who was sitting at the bar behind me and was like "oh, it's grandpa joe." or something, i don't remember his fucking name. the person did indeed look old and grandfatherly, so i was like "whatever, it's some old guy who doesn't care about smelling bad in front of people anymore." i had no idea how right i really was.

so i stopped caring about it and the night progressed. then maybe like 45 minutes later, i finally caught this overpoweringly filthy, wet, heavy odor... like the smell of a nursing home on a hot day.

this was seriously hardcore... like it was so bad i had to walk away for a bit. you probably see where this is going by now but i still didn't really think much of it, aside from "man, those guys weren't kidding."

a little bit after that i was talking to my friends karl and annie. i went to sit down next to them and they were just like "no... no, no no! that's grandpa joe's chair." i assumed they meant because he was coming back and had just gotten up for a second.

i left soon after that and the realization suddenly struck me while i was driving home -- karl and annie were trying to warn me not to sit there because that fucking old man had shit himself!

BLAAARGH!!! the pieces all fit! how fucking revolting! i seriously think i was subconsciously trying to block myself from understanding what was going on because of how grossed out i would have been (and still am almost a week later).

aghast, i told a couple people from the area that i suspected some guy shit himself at the bar after i got home. and they were like "right, grandpa joe. big deal, it happens all the time."

WHAT THE FUCK?! i couldn't believe everyone was so blase about this. i was blown away.

so... employing my goren-esque deductive skills, here's what i make of the situation:

1. no one was surprised the old guy soiled himself (other than myself... and not only was i surprised, i was also horrified and incredibly grossed out). in fact, people knew who i was talking about without needing any specifics beyond "some guy at the bar shit himself."
2. so the old guy spends enough time there that the other patrons know his nickname and behavior.
3. a grown man soiling himself at a bar is a significant deviation from normative behavior. since other regular patrons knew his behavior and were not surprised by it, this is likely a routine occurrence.
4. so this man is shitting himself in a public place, and most likely does not sit in the same chair each time he's there. even if he does attempt to sit in the same general area, people in bars move stuff around all the time so it is unlikely he sits in the same seat.
5. given the general condition of the bar, most notably the men's bathroom, the employees likely do not disinfect the barstools.
6. because the old guy routinely shits himself and sits in different stools, every barstool is potentially contaminated with fecal matter.
7. ipso facto, i'm never sitting down at a stool there again... otherwise, i might inadvertently be sitting in stool! ah-ha ha ha!

blargh, i'm still too grossed out and unhappy to think that was funny. i'm sorry my first sleazy bar story is so unpleasant.